I remember writing that my daughter was NED (no evidence of disease) and that my husband kindly, gently corrected me. The thing is, Lauren does have spots on her lungs, which is a type of evidence. So then, what is she? SED? Some evidence of disease? UED? Unchanged evidence? The spots on her lungs have not changed much in the 6 months we’ve known about them. Is this a good thing? To me it doesn’t feel good. It feels like an uncomfortable spot in my gut. It feels like good news that doesn’t feel 100% sincere. And now that scans are over and we’ve been given as close to a “thumbs up” as we’re likely to get, it feels like relaxation. Kind of.
This feeling of tension, this knot that refuses to unwind no matter how much or how often I contort myself, is like trying to relax in a room with a ticking bomb. But the timer on this bomb is hidden from me. We don’t know if or when it will go off. We try not to think about it. Ha!
I remember writing NED on this blog. I remember a feeling of elation and relief mixed with sadness about our friends who didn’t receive elation-type news. I remember thinking I heard NED, but really I didn’t. I remember hearing what I wanted to hear.
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